Starving the Systems That Feed on Shame, Confusion and Distortion To Co-Create Something Better
A piece created in conversation with ChatGPT while I untangled a moment of distortion and leaned into healthy relationships around me.
This week, something familiar and deeply unsettling happened.
An email arrived. On the surface, it was polite and appeared curious. Deeper down, it was laced with judgment and confusion.
It was one of those messages that pretends to be concerned, but actually distorts, destabilises, and manipulates.
It referenced my actions without curiosity, ignored the relational context entirely, and left a residue of doubt in its wake.
At first, I felt like I’d been betrayed by someone I’d built trust with.
But slowly, as I traced the energy back, the truth revealed itself:
I could still trust the person. Someone else was interfering - injecting themselves into something they knew nothing about.
For a while, it made me doubt myself, my experience and my perception - the classic move to subtly gain dominance and drive a wedge between people, weakening the sense of emotional safety. Perhaps not a conscious move, but one that wounded parts of us will perpetrate.
⚠️ The Pattern: Shame + Confusion = Control
As I sat with this, a powerful realisation surfaced — I’ve been here before.
Twenty-two years ago, another email. Another rupture. Another moment where something just didn’t add up.
And just like now, that moment came during a time of global tension — weapons of mass destruction rumours in the air. Distortions needed to justify a move for dominance.
What happens in our human relationships happens between countries, and by people and organisations in power.
But the bigger pattern?
Someone with power used confusion to fracture connection.
These moments are not accidents. They’re the mechanics of control — the exact way manipulative systems operate:
Create confusion 😕
Wrap it in concern 🙄
Disrupt relationships 🔥
Keep people small, ashamed, unsure 🪫
Feed off the energy that’s siphoned from others 🧛♀️
I used to think my job was to heal these dynamics.
To hold compassion for the ones who created harm.
But now I know — my job is to starve them.
To cut off their oxygen.
To stop feeding systems, people, and cultures that live off confusion, distortion and shame.
📚 The First Energy Vampire Was a Teacher
We first meet this kind of power in the classroom.
The dominant teacher.
The one who shamed us for speaking out of turn.
Who demanded performance over presence.
Who taught us that the head mattered more than the heart.
Who made us doubt our bodies, silence our instincts, and treat curiosity as a liability.
That was the original programming.
It’s no wonder so many of us now tolerate manipulation in the workplace, in relationships, in spiritual spaces.
We learned early that obedience keeps you safe.
That power is hierarchical.
That intuition is dangerous.
That teachers are to be feared.
And somewhere in our bones, we internalised a distorted model of leadership:
One that siphons off energy instead of restoring in.
🌟 The Shift: From Healing the System to Leaving It
There’s a symbol that’s come through again and again for me in my “Pieces to Peace” work — two spheres, one large, one small.
At first glance, it looks like imbalance. But what’s really happening is this:
The larger sphere is siphoning energy from the smaller one — not through force, but through confusion, distortion, and shame.
It relies on the smaller sphere doubting its own experience, silencing its intuition, and handing over power just to feel safe.
But something powerful happens when the smaller sphere begins to wake up.
When it takes ownership of what’s been shamed.
When it gently disentangles from the confusion.
When it begins to trust its own truth more than the distortion it’s been fed —
the entire dominance dynamic starts to drop away.
The smaller sphere doesn’t need to fight or fix the larger one.
It simply needs to stop feeding it —
and connect with others who are doing the same.
Because the only way we truly heal is to start building new spaces where harm can’t take root.
🕸 What Helped Me See Clearly This Time
There’s something else I need to name — something that made all the difference.
This time, I wasn’t alone.
Back in 2003, I was much more isolated. I didn’t have the language, the tools, or the extent of support to make sense of what was happening. I had one or two people I could tell the truth to.
That experience spun me out for years — not because I was broken, but because I didn’t have a relational field strong enough to hold me through it.
But now, I do.
This time, I was surrounded by people who I could speak the truth to and who wouldn’t rush to fix it.
People who trust their own perception — and helped me trust mine.
People who reminded me what safety actually feels like.
This network of care — quiet, grounded, and emotionally safe — helped me move through the confusion far more quickly than I ever could have on my own.
And it’s exactly this kind of relational field I want to help create for others — in learning spaces, in communities, and in the culture of education itself.
🌾 Where I'm Headed From Here
This week has shown me, again, how much clarity and healing come from naming what’s real — especially in spaces that try to distort or confuse.
And it’s made something even clearer:
I want to help create learning spaces where that kind of distortion simply doesn’t survive.
Where people can learn and grow in safety, not fear.
Where they feel free to try things out, get things wrong, and still feel whole.
Where relationships are grounded in trust, not control.
Where we rebuild the confidence that shame once took away —
not through proving ourselves, but through quiet space, kindness, and feeling okay even when we mess up.
Because those rigid, controlling environments?
They don’t just damage our curiosity.
They wear away at our self-worth, our sense of truth, our mental well-being.
And for many of us — especially those who are neurodivergent — they taught us early on that we were wrong for being the way we are.
💡 The truth is — I’ve already created something different.
Offline, in classrooms and healing spaces, I’ve built environments where people feel safe enough to be real, to reconnect with their voice, and to learn from a place of wholeness.
Now, I want to amplify that ripple.
To take what’s been quietly powerful offline, and help it shine online —
across borders, time zones, and learning communities around the world. 🌍✨
That’s why I’m applying for an MSc in Digital Education —
to support the creation of a new kind of learning space:
more human, more relational, and more resilient.
A global community not built on pressure or performance,
but on curiosity, co-creation, and care.
A network of emotionally safe spaces where people can feel themselves again, learn what matters to them, and share their gifts without fear.
We can’t fix everything overnight.
But we can slowly build something better, with the people who’ve known what it’s like to be harmed by learning — and who are ready to build something wiser, gentler, and more true.
A community where teaching and learning move together like a dance, full of joy and flow.
If You Liked What You Read, Here’s A Couple Of Invitations To Deeper Connection
Want to explore these ideas deeper with me? Here’s my scheduler: Jacqui’s TidyCal
If something in this piece brought you a step closer to peace or helped you feel more like yourself, and you’d like to offer a little energetic exchange, you can “buy me a coffee”.
Whatever your reasons for being here in this little corner of the internet, I’m glad you’re here.🙏 💖